I'm going to crawl out on a limb, here. I recently read a couple of M/F BDSM stories
where the dominant blatantly disregarded the submissive's set of limits. By blatant I mean he ripped them up in front
of her. Okay, yes, it's fiction, and I
understand the reasons in both cases, but it still bothered me. Why?
Because the hero was basically saying "I know you better than you
know yourself, so we'll play by my rules, not yours. Take it or leave it. No negotiation."
Problem was they'd just met that day. A bit presumptuous, don't you think?
I do realize having a dominant take
total control is a fantasy come true for some readers. In
erotic fiction, we want the hero, or Dom, to intuitively sense his lady's deepest
desires and know without a doubt what it is she needs and desires, even if she
doesn't. The notion that someone has the
ability to fathom our secret fantasies and bring them to fruition is sexy. But shouldn't he at least know her name,
first? Okay, I exaggerate, but my point
is that reality is different from fiction.
And a fantasy on the page could be a nightmare in real life.
Take-charge heroes get my juices flowing, and I enjoy
reading stories with them. However, I also
want said hero to value the woman along with her limits. Because respect is an important issue for me,
I'm not a fan of stories where the hero or dominant enjoys humiliating the
heroine or submissive, even if she seeks the treatment. Nor do I especially like stories where the
man believes his pleasure is more important than hers. And a side dish often served with that
premise is discomfort. Yes, pleasure can
be received through pain and discomfort, but soreness and irritation can diminish
pleasure as well. So, where do you draw
the line?
In her article on the subject, Lisabet Sarai says, "A
sub experiences satisfaction and pleasure in surrendering to a master or
mistress. Part of the excitement derives from uncertainty. The ideal is that
the dominant should do whatever he or she pleases, subject only to the
submissive's hard limits and governed by the safe word." She goes on to say (and I'm paraphrasing)
that a checklist tends to dull the thrill of play.
I understand and agree.
The act of total surrender, for some submissives, can offer the ultimate
in satisfaction along with a sense of pride.
But that isn't true for all. Nor
should it be. For some, the pride and
satisfaction comes from pleasing the other person, which does not always involve
surrendering.
In one story I read, the submissive had been wearing a large
butt plug for most of the day and it had grown uncomfortable, so she asked for
permission to remove it. When the
dominant asked her why, and she told him, his response was, "Ah. So your
comfort is the most important thing?"
A part of me was thinking, "Yes, and it should be for you, too. Shouldn't it?" But he was a dominant, and he expected her to want to please him above all else, including her own comfort. So,
she closed her mouth and did what he wanted, even though she received no
pleasure from it. Then again, neither
did I.
So, here I am, just like the kitty pictured above, out on a limb. Only, I suspect I'm alone. This article is my personal opinion and I do not intend to
stand it as a flagpole to measure others against, but if the goal is mutual enjoyment,
why should one person demand another's discomfort when there's no pleasure
received in return? That particular Dom admitted
to being turned on by the idea of the sub continuing to wear the plug he'd
inserted into her, simply because he'd wanted it there, but awareness and soreness
are two different things to me. So, the
thought of him enjoying her discomfort made me squirm, and not in a good way.
In my mind, pleasure should be mutual, rules should be
clear, and limits understood and accepted, which brings me back to my original
topic. Limits and negotiations. What are your thoughts? Do you prefer a fictional Dom to respect or
ignore his submissive's limitations? Do
you like Doms or heroes who enjoy watching their women squirm with discomfort
because they wished it? I've given you
my opinion, now I'd like to hear yours if you're willing to share.
Below are some articles on the necessity of limit negotiations
in real life:
Below is the link to Lisabet's article:
