Friday, July 20, 2012

Frisky Friday - BDSM - Humiliation and the purpose it can serve


Let me start out by saying I don't enjoy humiliation personally, but then I'm not one who easily gives up control.  There is also a fine distinction between humiliation and degradation, which I sometimes have difficulty differentiating.  One blogger put it this way.  "Humiliation is about humility--the absence of pride, being in a place where there is no ego or pretension...Only who and what you really are. Humility is about accepting and just...Being."  She separates it from degradation by the following definition, "Degradation is about tearing someone down and making them less than what they are."

I can definitely recognize and understand the difference, even though I have never experienced what she calls positive humiliation.  That borders on being an oxymoron to me.  However, she goes on to say, "Positive humiliation is about being seen at your absolute lowest, and respected the more for it. It's about what happens after the tears, facing the fears, and crawling out the other side."


In her case, she found the humiliation her Dom put her though cathartic.  Not the act, so much, as "the unbreakable intimacy that is forged when she is forced to confront her Dom's unwavering acceptance."  Another blogger called it a "shamegasm."  She wrote, "Religion is born in those moments, when I feel my dirtiest, my most worthless, my least admirable or loveable, and I look up to see him smiling at me. When I want to turn my back on him, so that I can prove to myself that he rejected me after I did the shameful thing, and he draws me closer and doesn't let go. It's in those moments that I receive the benediction of his love and his acceptance, and I feel like I could worship him.

"It's the moments where I feel the marks, the hurts, the injuries to my body, and I feel the sting of humiliation for having enjoyed them, and I want to push him away for opening up that part of me. When I want to beg him to forget it had happened, when I want to hide myself away from him so that I'll never have to confront within myself what I had enjoyed. And in those moments he strokes my hair and promises, again, that I never have cause to feel embarrassed in front of him." 

I can actually understand that.  In fact, I wrote a scene where my Dom insisted his sub do something she found extremely embarrassing, and he did it to prove to her how nothing she did disgusted him.  Afterwards, he murmured how beautiful she was and how he adored her, then giving her small reassuring kisses he told her that he was proud of her for trusting him enough to give him all her shame and embarrassment so he could clean it away for her.  She cried in his arms until his tender reassurances calmed and centered her again and she fell asleep.

In my opinion, the scene I wrote is similar to the experience both these bloggers had.  They recognize the difference between positive and negative humiliation.  And even though I wrote a scene that portrayed positive humiliation, like many others, I apply a negative connotation to the word itself.  And in the wrong hands, humiliation can be an extremely negative experience.  I'm a private person in regards to sexual matters, so being put on display in that regard, for any reason, would be a humiliation for me.  Others, however, view their experience, in hindsight, as something beautiful that happens when all the boundaries between two individuals are lowered, allowing them to grow closer than they ever believed possible. It is afterwards, during the softly spoken words of adoration that they feel transported to a higher plane.


 These two bloggers had very private experiences with their Doms.  No one else stood witness to their activities, nor did they go into detail about what they did.  However, some submissives find satisfaction in being forced to do embarrassing things publicly.  They enjoy being humiliated against their will.  But their will in this case is moot, since if they truly objected they could withdraw their consent and stop the scene.

So, humiliation in BDSM can serve more than one purpose.  It can elevate the soul, titillate the senses, and cause great embarrassment during a punishment scene.  Its purpose is dependent on why and how the Dom humiliates his submissive, and how he chooses to treat her afterwards.


6 comments:

  1. You shared some lovely passages from those other bloggers, Kathryn. Very erudite and revealing stuff. Seems to me, humiliation--when it's used in a positive manner--can free a person from her super-ego for a time, allowing her to be less critical of herself because, after all, she's done something she would have condemned as unacceptable behavior before, and yet her Dom has rewarded her for sharing her intimate self. This is a very thoughtful post, Kathryn. Well done.

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  2. Thanks, Trish. They certainly opened up my perspective on the topic. This was going to be a completely different article until I saw their posts. Thanks for visiting, and I especially appreciate your comments.

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  3. "On 50 Shades of Grey and the Erotization of Male Domination," by Smash, Liberation Collective, 2 April 2012:

    In fact, BDSM practices actively oppress women.
    ....
    There is nothing transgressive or feminist about BDSM erotica or sexual practices. The popularity of this new novel, as well as the Twilight series, show the way in which women cope with male violence and oppression by eroticizing male dominance.

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    1. Not that I think they will respond or ever read this - that looks like a drive-by autocomment to me - but there is nothing more oppressive than being told what to think. That's just as true when you're being told to think that being lovingly tied up and spanked, etc, is inherently degrading and you're a bad or deluded person for wanting it as it is any other time.

      There are plenty of real victims in the world for you to save. Leave us out of your little crusades.

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    2. Marc Cabot, I'm a real person, not an autocomment. I do not know a lot about the issue--that's why I didn't say anything. I was aware, however, of the above opinion that "BDSM practices actively oppress women." It appeared to take a different point of view from this blog post's author. So I placed it here for the interest of the readers. Apparently it attracted your interest. Too bad you choose to lash out at both the messenger and the message's messenger. Contrast your FOAD response to the blog's author who welcomes "any thoughts at all (Naughty or otherwise)."

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    3. Dear Safe Libraries,
      You're right, I welcome all thoughts here as long as they don't denigrate individuals or their beliefs. I'm aware that many feminists regard BDSM as a dangerous form of female subordination. I don't happen to agree with them, but I can see why the idea of a D/s lifestyle can be disturbing to someone looking in from the outside.

      The truth is none of us view the D/s relationship exactly the same, even those who live it 24/7. I have read many posts on the "dangers" of 50 Shades of Grey. That book, along with the two others that followed it, are a phenomenon in their own right. However, I don't consider E.L James's books to be any more dangerous for its readers than the history of the Marquis de Sade is, and both of them eroticize receiving pleasure through pain. I enjoyed the former, despite their flaws, and cringed at the latter, but neither one prompted me to purchase a whip, plastic ties or a collar and start kneeling at my husband's feet (and though I do adore him, I'm not very good at kneeling).

      What people choose to do in their private clubs or behind their bedroom doors is up to them. I have no say in their activities, nor should I. As an outside observer, I probably would be horrified at seeing first hand what takes place in a BDSM dungeon, all in the name of pleasure. (Truthfully, I'm a bit of a wimp). But my personal opinion doesn't give me the right to judge, moralize or interfere as long as the individuals are behaving in a safe, sane and consenual manner. And if you add loving into the mix, as Marc posted, a whole new shade of meaning is added to the activity.

      In any case, you are more than welcome to publish links that offer differing opinions, although I'm not sure this blog is one you would enjoy following since my viewpoint is clearly very different from your own and the blog you cited. That doesn't invalidate your or the other blogger's opinion, or make it any less credible for those who share it with you. It just offers an opposing viewpoint to mine, which I am willing to read and consider, and my readers are free to ignore if they wish.

      Marc, as always, I appreciate your input, agree with your sentiment, and hope you continue to visit and post.

      Thank you both for stopping by and stating how you feel. It takes courage to stand up for what you believe, knowing your opinion may not be tenable for the audience you are addressing. So, kudos to you both.

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I love hearing from readers, so thank you for making my day! Writers with any thoughts at all (Naughty or otherwise) love comments, and I'm no exception.