There have been several posts going around the BDSM community recently surrounding questions of limits, safe words and abuse. When is a Dom merely pushing a sub's limits, versus when is he abusing her trust? A fine line? Perhaps. But it's one that needs to be drawn nonetheless.
What drew me to this topic, which is undoubtedly more serious than frisky, was a post made by Sir J on the "Nature of Limits" in his blog: What does it mean to be a Dominant. It is a very informative post (as are the comments left by several in the community) that states the Dom is the individual responsible for setting the limits in a D/s relationship. Because if he has them, by extension, the sub will as well. But I'm not sure that is sufficient. The sub really needs to know her own limits also. Sir J is not disputing this; in fact he agrees that all subs should have limits. So, even though the notion that a sub should put aside her own feelings and needs in order to make her Dominant happy sounds ideal, in real life such an attitude can be dangerous as well as subsequently very unhealthy for the submissive.
Kitty Stryker, a former submissive who posted an article titled "I Never Called it Rape" on her blog PurrVersatility, details some of her own experiences where she was either urged into doing things, which she viewed as violating her consent, or subjected to unwanted handling because that was what her Dom desired. I'm sure Kitty's case is not unique, but what is upsetting about the post is her certainty that the community, in general, is not on the sub's side in such matters. This, in turn, left her feeling victimized. Instead of knowing she would be supported or provided with much needed resources and comfort, the sub, Kitty in this case, is convinced the community would shun her for complaining when they assume she "volunteered" her body to the Dominant in question by just being with him.
In erotic fiction this is referred to as "dubious consent." In such situations, women like Kitty deserve protection, and care, not ostracism. It doesn't matter if the Dom believed his actions were not only appropriate, but desired, he misread his sub. The mere fact that Kitty felt violated but was afraid to admit it out of fear of being banned if she called out to a dungeon monitor for help, or pegged as a "drama queen" for using her safe word, is not good for the community at large. Because BDSM is intended to push boundaries and limits, those practicing it need to ensure their submissives are not feeling abused. Note: I said "feeling." It is the state of mind that matters most here. A sub should always feel safe even when she's having her limits and boundaries stretched. And a sub who claims she has no limits, especially when the Dom is new to her, should be watched and supervised by the group much more carefully than a sub who openly states her limits.
DannahB said as much in her insightful post on Subtypical in her article, Think, Choose, Submit when she posted, a sub that is willing to engage in play or is extremely submissive immediately upon introduction is a red flag for any knowledgeable Dom. Yes, the onus is on the sub to know herself and to choose her Dom wisely, but she's human and she can make mistakes. If she does, shouldn't she be given support rather than censure? If she intimates her experience was less enjoyable than she desired, shouldn't she be heard and cared for rather than simply dismissed? I realize such caring and support may only be practical in fiction, but shouldn't it be just as important in real life? I think it should, but then again, this is just one romance author's opinion. I now return you to frolic and surf about the web, and wish you a very frisky, but safe, sane and consensual Friday.
Wanted to add a blog article by Kitty Thomas on this subject entitled "Who Has the Power" as well as a few of other blogs that address the subject of abuse in the BDSM community:
BDSM play is not necessarily about pain... you can use a vibrator as your sex toy prop just as well as a whip or nipple clamps. The real marker of BDSM play is about control, often domination and submission.
ReplyDeleteOh, Joy, you are so right. That's not what this article was about, but you make an excellent point. I wrote an earlier article on BDSM terminology, now I think I'll consider writing one on what I perceive BDSM to be about. Control exercised through dominance and submission with copious amounts of pleasure to be had by all.
ReplyDeleteI'm not into pain, personally, probably because I'm such a wimp, and I know I'd make a lousy secret agent. Even the hint of torture would have me spilling my guts. No state secrets for me, please.
Thanks for posting.